Queenship

It seemed like such a simplistic idea, one I had heard before, and yet, when the mother of fourteen in a recent article on JewishMom.com (http://jewishmom.com/2011/05/29/ayala-nivins-14-children-one-womans-reflections-on-mothering-a-large-family/)  described how she pulls herself up from motherly difficulties by reminding herself she's a queen, something suddenly clicked.

I looked at myself; my exhausted, overwhelmed self with two little sick girls to take care of, and asked myself: do I consider myself a queen? Which was a pretty laughable statement, and was answerable with a decidable no.

I realized in that moment that I didn't feel admiration or respect for myself, I felt overweight from pregnancy, perhaps a bit pathetic, embarrassed, upset.

It seems like the ultimate irony; why would a queen be down in the dirt, changing diapers, trying to reason with/cajole/discipline an energetic two year old? Wouldn't a real queen be served rather than serving?

And I reflected that the test for a real queen (for royalty is deeper than blood, thicker than circumstance, but an essential integral element of a person) is to leave her throne and her place of control and to go to the field, working her butt off, digging, sweating, and yet remain a queen.

I reflected in how when my husband and I married, we swore to make each other a king and queen respectively, yet we forgot about the responsibility we have  to place the royal crown on ourselves first without relying  on the other person to inform us of our dignity.

And I pondered on this- all this time, all this anxiety,my negative emotions, could it have been stemming from a misinformed mistranslation of the problem- a problem of an unannounced internal relationship of conditional love: I will love myself IF

IF I get things done

IF I do things right

IF I look and act up to my expectations

IF others respect me

THEN I will respect myself, feel dignified, feel like a queen.

But we are not royalty because of what we do

It is our birthright, our destiny, our deeply ingrained character trait

Sent from above to be tapped into down her

And our children, our children will thank us for remembering this destiny, this truth

For they do not want to bring us down

They want us to go down from our castles, from our thrones, to join them in the mud and chaos,

And bring them up.